Scary

This week has been just an exhausting emotional roller coaster. The good news is the closure of the School of Social Work was rescinded and the program is safe. The bad news is, I just received my rejection letter from the Graduate program. Guess there were just too many qualified applicants ... but I already knew that. When I produced the news, we would do stories on how college students are staying in school longer because there are no jobs ... especially in Nevada. So, tons of kids with BAs are just staying in, going for post-grad work. I kind of figured I was a long shot, but I really felt positive about it. It felt right and I thought my grad application essay would just "wow" them. And, I thought it would be great timing to maybe try to get pregnant while I was in school. Then, just as the little one was ready for day care, I'd be off and running with my fabulous new career. Saving the oppressed and raising a compassionate little being at the same time! That was the dream.
So, what to do when dreams keep dying?
My boyfriend and I had to talk about the pink elephant in the living room (me wanting a baby) last night. I think it was starting to pee on the carpet, so we sucked it up and tip-toed toward the topic. His stance remains the same: he has no desire to have another kid. He's done. I guess he just cannot envision a life with a baby with me and have it bring a single ounce of pleasure to his mind. He sees sleepless nights and drained bank accounts and dirty diapers and trunks full of crap required for a single family outing. He sees all of the bad and none of the good. I guess I was hoping that "love" would wash over his brain and change his mind ... that loving someone "enough" could conquer all. Isn't that what we were taught?
There was a third bomb that detonated in my body when he said he doesn't even ever think about marriage ... that he doesn't "see the point" and is (again) "in no rush". I just turned 41. I've been divorced for 8 years and my dog and my clothes and I just moved in with him 2 months ago. I am MORE than ready for the next phase in my life ... and beyond even that: I'm ready for some good news.
Suffice it to say I have a cried-too-hard last night headache and can barely think for myself today. My energy is low and appetite non-existent. How did I get here? How do I get out?