Tuesday, March 15, 2011

3/10/11

I've been in an emotional coma for a few days ... haven't been able to blog on schedule, but somehow, I was able to document the issue ... problem ... catastrophe:
3/10/11
Can something die without ever living? A dream, perhaps? How am I still breathing? Why are my lungs moving the heavy breath in and out? How does the pain not kill? I feel like a piece of me is dying every day. A month ago, it was another lost job, yesterday, a rejection letter from a graduate program, and today, the deepest cut of all, the love of my life finally killed my dream of us having a baby. Laid down a defiant refusal to try to conceive a child with me after over one year of swaying, considering, and teasing. He said No. Another No. No, you can’t, no you’re not the one, no, we didn’t pick you …No!
The baby, my baby that I will never know. Owning this female body for all these years … cleaning up the messes of menstruation and emotion … all the while knowing it will pay off: with a final scream and push, the noise will siphon down to the one ripe cry of a newborn, wrapped in white, it will be placed onto my chest and my love and I will sob tears of awe and never before realized happiness when we stare into the face of our new life.
No first night, smile, word, step. I will never hear, “Hi Mom” or comb sweet smelling fine hair. I’ll never have my patience, morality, and judgment tested to the utmost of my ability. Know humility, sleeplessness, and sacrifice the way only a parent knows. Or come face to face with the gripping fear and visceral uncertainty of handing a life over to this world.
I’m stunned and frozen by the depth of the pain I feel over this loss. I can’t help but think my love knew how he felt all along, but didn’t want to, “hurt my feelings”. Words and phrases like, “maybe” … “we’ll see” and, “you never know” haunted me with enough promise. Once our love is solidified, I thought, then he will certainly be overwhelmed by the possibility and succumb to the beauty of the ultimate symbolism of our love. We have a healthy relationship; we’re both incredibly active and vibrant people. But most importantly, we love each other passionately and dearly and have waited a long time to find each other. He is my treasure; a once in a lifetime love. The kind of love that won battles and sunk ships. He is my hero. He’s all I see and the only man I want; and despite the excruciating death of a dream, I cannot live without this man.
So I sit and lay and somehow keep breathing.

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