I might have it all wrong ... the way I think. I was pondering the feeling I'm so terrified of: the feeling that if I don't have a child/become a mother, etc., I will never know the love I have subconciously desired my whole life ... to be relied upon, to be taken seriously. It's so fucked because here I waited all this time to find the kind of relationship I now have, to even feel like I would like to procreate with this person, and once I have the person, he doesn't want to. So, the question now is: will I feel the same kind of love, happiness, fulfillment; as a childless woman? Or, will this be a deathbed regret? Dunno. From what I understand, there is no substitute for the love of/for a child. I get that. I buy it. I mean, yes, I love my mother, I love my dog, but is/can it be the same as the love felt for a life created by my body? They say no. "They" meaning everyone I've heard/read, decided now NOT to hear/read (because it brings up too much pain) ... insists that it is a love you've never known until you experience it. So, how can that be duplicated?? Am I supposed to breed Boston Terriers, or adopt a child from Malawi? Take the helm of a Greenpeace ship and save soon-to-be slaughtered harbor seals? Or pretend that I might have the slightest of impact on my boyfriend's kids? Am I supposed to be an amazing step-mother? Or ... a-hem ... step-girlfriend? (Marriage is about as realistic right now as taking a trip on the Good Ship Lollipop) Oh my God! I'm going to be that volunteering 75 year old woman wearing dark lip liner talking about how awesome Whole Foods is ... because I'll be able to afford it! It will be just me. And a dog ... a small one, because I'll have given up on dogs over 35 pounds ... and a bill from Direct TV. I'll watch Dancing With the Stars and care about who should win American Idol, and how Katie Couric is wearing her stupid pixie on the evening news. Jesus Christ. Everything will be just as I want. What I want, when I want, how I want. Which is the life I've lead for the past twenty years. I don't want to be a mom because I want to be loved, I want to love ... want my life to stop being all about me. I'm sick of me. But for now, I have to continue this sick, co-dependent, unhealthy relationship with this chick I know ... her name is Kimberly.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Sick of Me
I might have it all wrong ... the way I think. I was pondering the feeling I'm so terrified of: the feeling that if I don't have a child/become a mother, etc., I will never know the love I have subconciously desired my whole life ... to be relied upon, to be taken seriously. It's so fucked because here I waited all this time to find the kind of relationship I now have, to even feel like I would like to procreate with this person, and once I have the person, he doesn't want to. So, the question now is: will I feel the same kind of love, happiness, fulfillment; as a childless woman? Or, will this be a deathbed regret? Dunno. From what I understand, there is no substitute for the love of/for a child. I get that. I buy it. I mean, yes, I love my mother, I love my dog, but is/can it be the same as the love felt for a life created by my body? They say no. "They" meaning everyone I've heard/read, decided now NOT to hear/read (because it brings up too much pain) ... insists that it is a love you've never known until you experience it. So, how can that be duplicated?? Am I supposed to breed Boston Terriers, or adopt a child from Malawi? Take the helm of a Greenpeace ship and save soon-to-be slaughtered harbor seals? Or pretend that I might have the slightest of impact on my boyfriend's kids? Am I supposed to be an amazing step-mother? Or ... a-hem ... step-girlfriend? (Marriage is about as realistic right now as taking a trip on the Good Ship Lollipop) Oh my God! I'm going to be that volunteering 75 year old woman wearing dark lip liner talking about how awesome Whole Foods is ... because I'll be able to afford it! It will be just me. And a dog ... a small one, because I'll have given up on dogs over 35 pounds ... and a bill from Direct TV. I'll watch Dancing With the Stars and care about who should win American Idol, and how Katie Couric is wearing her stupid pixie on the evening news. Jesus Christ. Everything will be just as I want. What I want, when I want, how I want. Which is the life I've lead for the past twenty years. I don't want to be a mom because I want to be loved, I want to love ... want my life to stop being all about me. I'm sick of me. But for now, I have to continue this sick, co-dependent, unhealthy relationship with this chick I know ... her name is Kimberly.
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